Looking For My Rainbow

Today needs to be a good day.  Today needs to be happy.  Too much sadness in the world today.  But also opportunities for much happiness.

The old comes and is replaced with fresh opportunities… The new is scary and exciting.

Fears of moving forward.  Fears because I don’t want to feel more pain.  Fears because I don’t want to feel more heartache.  More rejection.  More loss. More adjusting.

If I don’t move forward then I am stagnant and dormant.  On the road to dying.

I often say, “Whats the alternative?”

You can either lie down and die or you can take risks and move forward.

I’m too pretty to die.  I’m too much fun to die.  I’m have too much to offer to die.  I will make the next love of my life happy and need that opportunity before I die.

Shake these fears.  Use this anxiousness as fuel to my motor.  Use this fear as a power source.

I will thrive.

I always love to go back and listen to Israel “IZ” Kamakawiwo’ole  version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

I do this often when I am Looking for My Rainbow.  IZ, I hope your trouble melts like lemon drops where ever you are in Heaven.



I am moving forward.  I don’t have any other choice.  It is funny how accustomed we get to a way of life.

Friday nights 8 months ago were something to look forward to.  Often times I would stop with buddies after work for a beer at happy hour.  Maybe some potato skins!  I would call T on the phone and say, “Yo, what’s the plan?”  She would often run down the list of what each daughter is doing, what I needed to do for that, which girl I needed to drive somewhere.  She would then make a plan to go somewhere for dinner with me.

It was a given.  No need to really plan anything.  I always had a date.

Move forward until January 9, 2015

I am sitting at my computer desk at 10:28 PM typing this to who knows who.  Both girls stay with me every Friday night.

So, tonight R has a date with her boyfriend.  At the game today, she was fouled really hard by a girl that was playing against us.  This player got upset after one of the steals/tackles and swiped R’s legs from under her by kicking her very hard in the back of the calf.  R went down like she was shot.  R goes down often because she plays like there is no tomorrow but always bounces up usually into an immediate sprint.  This time R didn’t jump back up.  She dragged herself up and limped across the field.  She started waving off coach that she was staying in the game.

R came home with a serious limp.  Her calf is double the size from the swelling as her other one.  She still wanted to go out with her boyfriend.  A large bag of ice was wrapped tight with plastic wrap around her calf as she limped away with boyfriend. The field they played on is old bad astroturf.  R has scrapes down both knees and on the side of one leg.  It is dripping puss and blood.  During the game the referee noticed it bled down into her sock turning the white sock a nice shade of crimson and stopped the game.  I could hear him yell all the way in the stands, “Coach, You need to fix #22!”  She was sent to the bench.  R later told me that all the girls on the bench were just staring at her and watching the blood and puss ooze down.  R snapped at the student trainer to hurry up and fix her leg so she could get back into the game.  The trainer pours Hydrogen Peroxide down both burns and all the bench players are in shock.  R just keeps staring at the game.  Trainer tapes it and R is ready to go throw her body infront of a moving train.   After the game R is walking out of the trainer’s office with ice pack on calf and both knees bandaged.  Two of the JV girls that were invited to go to the tournament with Varsity look at R and say, “You play really hard.”  R said she didn’t know how to respond.. so She just smiled and kept walking.

R scares people.  R intimidates people.  R is the only teenager that I know that does not want friends.  She does not need to be a part of the herd.  Her silence only adds to the mystery.  Her bone crushing style of play only adds to the mystery. Her beauty only adds to the mystery.

She is an amazingly tough kid mysterious kid.

B walks in with ice wrapped around her knee.  She doesn’t seem to be hurting bad.  So we are over the hump.  But we start a movie after cooking dinner and she falls asleep within 30 minutes. Tired little buddy.

Their last game of the tournament is tomorrow at 9:00 AM.

So here I am, living a new style of Friday night.  I love the fact the girls are with me.  I am here for them.  On Saturday night I am alone.  Me and the Wonder dog, Fred, are living the dream.  Do I go out?  Do I find some single friends?  Do I find someone on Match.com?

I was just asking a new friend these same questions in an email.  I have no idea anymore.

The loneliness is a killer.

Forward I move.  I move into the FUTURE…

Let it come what may.

I often think of Eddie Vedder’s song, RISE.  I absolutely fell in love with it when I was watching the movie Into the Wild…. The lyrics fit what I need to do.