May beginnings

So I am going into May with a smile.  Soccer season for my youngest is coming to an end.  She has had an up and down season.  Some games sluggish and then we find out she is sick, other games great… So goes the season.  Yesterday she battled very hard for the first half.  Had a goal and a couple assists…  Second half she comes out lethargic.  After games she says she is exhausted.  Little worried.  Need to monitor her.

R is on the job search.  Hopefully she lands something this week.

School is ending for the girls in the next 3 weeks.  Finals, AP exams, etc…

The Brady Bunch was out and about this past Friday night.  Both my girls and their boyfriends, M, my new girlfriend, and her two twins.  Plus my buddy J and his daughter met us.  It was a regular Brady Bunch get-together.  We all went to dinner and then to see the Avengers.  Good movie.. But I will never sit through another 3D movie again.  I don’t know how or why people prefer 3D.  Gave me a headache, blurry, dark, and hard to see.  BLAH… no thanks.

This week will be tough… M and her twins are in Washington DC for their 8th grade trip.  I’m going to miss her!

Another May is here.

Getting ready for Summer

August 17 – 21, 2014

Continuing the story…

T and I talk and try and work out the problems.  It is hard.  She is telling me that she has “fallen out of love” with me.  How can we continue to build our lives together if she does not “love” me anymore.  She actually said, “I like you… I just don’t have romantic feelings for you.”  How do you respond?

She tells me that her wants and desires out of life do not fit the schedule that the girls and I follow.  NO SHIT???  We only have 3.5 years left of the girls and then we are empty nesters.

We travelled down to Galveston just a few weeks prior to this to look at our future home.  We decided to buy a bay house on the water.  A canal house.  We looked and searched for the exact area.  We dreamed of parking a boat and jet skis on the canal.  When the girls had a family of their own the grandkids could come visit.  We talked about hobbies.

I spend my entire birthday this past July telling people to get me gift cards from Bass Pro Shops.  I was going to buy bay-fishing rods and reels.  Making a complete turn in my future.  Bay-Fishing was the calling.

Saltwater-Fishing

The week of August 17-21.  It begins great.  T finally agrees to see a therapist.  She is so worried that “shit will come up from my childhood”  She is scared but brave.  After the first visit she learns that she must heal herself before she can heal us.  I hear psychology talk, “We are a whole together and we can not be whole if one of the pieces is broken.”  So I leave her to heal.  Or at least attempt to.

She becomes rude… becomes angry… becomes hard to deal with.  I am not able to deal.  I get paranoid.  I get needy.  I get nervous that this is not going to work.  She tells me something for the 1st time.  She proceeds to tell me this 3 more times over the next 3 weeks until I interrupt and tell her I don’t need to hear it again.  T says, “I have been so unhappy with you that my saving grace is that I realize I am healthier than you.  I should live longer and when you die I will be happy.”  I keep remembering the song, Angry all the time.

Here we are
What is left of a husband and a wife
With four good kids who have a way of gettin on with their lifes.
Well, I’m not old,but I’m gettin a whole lot older everyday.
It’s to late to keep from going crazy, I got to get away.

The reasons that can’t stay,dont have have a thing to do with being in love.
And I understand that lovin a man should have to be this rough.
You ain’t the only one who feels like this worlds left you far behind.
i dont know why you gotta be angry all the time.

Our boys are strong, the spittin image of you when you were young.
I hope someday the can see past what you have become.
I remember everytime I said i’d never leave.
What I can’t live with is memories of the way you used to be.

The reason that I can’t stay don’t have a thing to do with being in love.
And I understand that loving a man should’nt have to be this rough.
You ain’t the only one who feels like this worlds left you far behind.
i don’t know why you gotta be angry all the time.

Twenty years have came and went since i walked out of your door.
I never quite made it back to the one i was before.
And god it hurts me, to think of you
For the light in your eyes was gone.
Sometimes, I dont know why this old world can’t leave well enough alone.

The reasons that I can’t stay dont have a thing to do with being in love.
I understand that lovin a man shouldn’t have to be this rough.
You ain’t the only one who feels like this worlds left you far behind.
I don’t know why you gotta be angry all the time.

August 20.  I come home from a hell of a day at work.  I am threatened and attacked by a crazy ass student.  18 year old gangbanger that is pissed at anyone that tells him “no”.  He is strung out on drugs and running from the lifestyle he has chosen.  I have to suspend him and he goes ballistic.  Luckily the police officer is with me and arrested the punk.  I just want my wife.  I just want to go home and tell her I’m too old for this crap.  I need to decompress with someone.  She tells me that she does not have the strength to deal with me.  She avoids me.  I have never felt more alone.

August 21.  When I walk in the door T is in another foul mood.  She won’t make eye-contact with me.  She is fussing at the girls.  Fussing at me… I finally tell her that if she is this miserable.  If the simple sight of me is that bad then she needs to go stay with her sister for awhile and heal.  She tells me that when I walk in the room it feels like all the air is sucked out.  It becomes a scary place.  WOW?  We argue.  I tell her to, “get her shit and go.”  She starts to pack.  B tells her to stay but just be nice.  I try and tell her that I do not really want her to leave.  She ignores me and tells everyone that, “I kicked her out!”

The girls and I just look at each other.  B is pissed at T.  R walks into the living room and tells me, “Dad I noticed that you guys were falling apart last year.  How did you not see this coming?”  Remember R is only 16.

This begins the downward spiral that I find myself in now.  Everytime I play that song it stings.  I remember in 2001 when it came out.  T and I made eye contact in the truck.  She teared up and looked away.  A sign back then?

to be continued…