Future?

Future?

I am moving forward.  I don’t have any other choice.  It is funny how accustomed we get to a way of life.

Friday nights 8 months ago were something to look forward to.  Often times I would stop with buddies after work for a beer at happy hour.  Maybe some potato skins!  I would call T on the phone and say, “Yo, what’s the plan?”  She would often run down the list of what each daughter is doing, what I needed to do for that, which girl I needed to drive somewhere.  She would then make a plan to go somewhere for dinner with me.

It was a given.  No need to really plan anything.  I always had a date.

Move forward until January 9, 2015

I am sitting at my computer desk at 10:28 PM typing this to who knows who.  Both girls stay with me every Friday night.

So, tonight R has a date with her boyfriend.  At the game today, she was fouled really hard by a girl that was playing against us.  This player got upset after one of the steals/tackles and swiped R’s legs from under her by kicking her very hard in the back of the calf.  R went down like she was shot.  R goes down often because she plays like there is no tomorrow but always bounces up usually into an immediate sprint.  This time R didn’t jump back up.  She dragged herself up and limped across the field.  She started waving off coach that she was staying in the game.

R came home with a serious limp.  Her calf is double the size from the swelling as her other one.  She still wanted to go out with her boyfriend.  A large bag of ice was wrapped tight with plastic wrap around her calf as she limped away with boyfriend. The field they played on is old bad astroturf.  R has scrapes down both knees and on the side of one leg.  It is dripping puss and blood.  During the game the referee noticed it bled down into her sock turning the white sock a nice shade of crimson and stopped the game.  I could hear him yell all the way in the stands, “Coach, You need to fix #22!”  She was sent to the bench.  R later told me that all the girls on the bench were just staring at her and watching the blood and puss ooze down.  R snapped at the student trainer to hurry up and fix her leg so she could get back into the game.  The trainer pours Hydrogen Peroxide down both burns and all the bench players are in shock.  R just keeps staring at the game.  Trainer tapes it and R is ready to go throw her body infront of a moving train.   After the game R is walking out of the trainer’s office with ice pack on calf and both knees bandaged.  Two of the JV girls that were invited to go to the tournament with Varsity look at R and say, “You play really hard.”  R said she didn’t know how to respond.. so She just smiled and kept walking.

R scares people.  R intimidates people.  R is the only teenager that I know that does not want friends.  She does not need to be a part of the herd.  Her silence only adds to the mystery.  Her bone crushing style of play only adds to the mystery. Her beauty only adds to the mystery.

She is an amazingly tough kid mysterious kid.

B walks in with ice wrapped around her knee.  She doesn’t seem to be hurting bad.  So we are over the hump.  But we start a movie after cooking dinner and she falls asleep within 30 minutes. Tired little buddy.

Their last game of the tournament is tomorrow at 9:00 AM.

So here I am, living a new style of Friday night.  I love the fact the girls are with me.  I am here for them.  On Saturday night I am alone.  Me and the Wonder dog, Fred, are living the dream.  Do I go out?  Do I find some single friends?  Do I find someone on Match.com?

I was just asking a new friend these same questions in an email.  I have no idea anymore.

The loneliness is a killer.

Forward I move.  I move into the FUTURE…

Let it come what may.

I often think of Eddie Vedder’s song, RISE.  I absolutely fell in love with it when I was watching the movie Into the Wild…. The lyrics fit what I need to do.

Isolation

Writing this blog has me thinking again.  This is usually when I get into the most trouble with life.

We are a couple weeks away from the court date that finalizes the end of our 21 year marriage.  January 13, 2015 to be exact.  No arguments, no fights, no drama.  I already turned in the divorce decree, took the parenting class (mandatory in our county), and paid the court fees (not to mention my attorney fees to write the decree).  All I need to do is go to court and the judge will electronically sign the decree and I can purchase a certified copy from the courts for $1.00 a page.  (41 pages total)   Oh joy!

This is it?

I keep watching tv shows and there is a lot of dysfunctional couples that always fight harder to win the girl back, etc…. Did I fight hard enough?  Who is supposed to tell me this?  But I really don’t want it back. Or do I?

I kinda like my isolation.  My gut tells me to move on.  I try and listen to my gut.  It keeps me going forward, usually.  These thoughts and emotions are raw.  Exposed, isolated, but mostly just raw.

How does one know?  What if I am making a mistake?  Life is just a crap shoot.  Roll the dice, smile along the way.

The girls went back to their mothers today.  I am alone all day.  No work, no responsibilities (other than taking Fred, adopted dog, out to take care of his business)… Nothing.  NO noise

I miss the noise.  But then again I don’t.

What stage of grief is this?

Let me go back to my life motto.  You may have heard it before.

Is the juice worth the squeeze?

I honestly don’t think that if T walked to my door with her emotions exposed and begging to return to what we had before that I would take it.  I don’t think the juice would be worth the squeeze.

I saw the movie, The Girl Next Door, many years ago.  I watched this scene and I thought of my relationship with T at the time.  I remember having to convince myself that the juice was worth the squeeze…. Then I just shook it off to everyone has small doubts.  Or do they?

August 17 – 21, 2014

Continuing the story…

T and I talk and try and work out the problems.  It is hard.  She is telling me that she has “fallen out of love” with me.  How can we continue to build our lives together if she does not “love” me anymore.  She actually said, “I like you… I just don’t have romantic feelings for you.”  How do you respond?

She tells me that her wants and desires out of life do not fit the schedule that the girls and I follow.  NO SHIT???  We only have 3.5 years left of the girls and then we are empty nesters.

We travelled down to Galveston just a few weeks prior to this to look at our future home.  We decided to buy a bay house on the water.  A canal house.  We looked and searched for the exact area.  We dreamed of parking a boat and jet skis on the canal.  When the girls had a family of their own the grandkids could come visit.  We talked about hobbies.

I spend my entire birthday this past July telling people to get me gift cards from Bass Pro Shops.  I was going to buy bay-fishing rods and reels.  Making a complete turn in my future.  Bay-Fishing was the calling.

Saltwater-Fishing

The week of August 17-21.  It begins great.  T finally agrees to see a therapist.  She is so worried that “shit will come up from my childhood”  She is scared but brave.  After the first visit she learns that she must heal herself before she can heal us.  I hear psychology talk, “We are a whole together and we can not be whole if one of the pieces is broken.”  So I leave her to heal.  Or at least attempt to.

She becomes rude… becomes angry… becomes hard to deal with.  I am not able to deal.  I get paranoid.  I get needy.  I get nervous that this is not going to work.  She tells me something for the 1st time.  She proceeds to tell me this 3 more times over the next 3 weeks until I interrupt and tell her I don’t need to hear it again.  T says, “I have been so unhappy with you that my saving grace is that I realize I am healthier than you.  I should live longer and when you die I will be happy.”  I keep remembering the song, Angry all the time.

Here we are
What is left of a husband and a wife
With four good kids who have a way of gettin on with their lifes.
Well, I’m not old,but I’m gettin a whole lot older everyday.
It’s to late to keep from going crazy, I got to get away.

The reasons that can’t stay,dont have have a thing to do with being in love.
And I understand that lovin a man should have to be this rough.
You ain’t the only one who feels like this worlds left you far behind.
i dont know why you gotta be angry all the time.

Our boys are strong, the spittin image of you when you were young.
I hope someday the can see past what you have become.
I remember everytime I said i’d never leave.
What I can’t live with is memories of the way you used to be.

The reason that I can’t stay don’t have a thing to do with being in love.
And I understand that loving a man should’nt have to be this rough.
You ain’t the only one who feels like this worlds left you far behind.
i don’t know why you gotta be angry all the time.

Twenty years have came and went since i walked out of your door.
I never quite made it back to the one i was before.
And god it hurts me, to think of you
For the light in your eyes was gone.
Sometimes, I dont know why this old world can’t leave well enough alone.

The reasons that I can’t stay dont have a thing to do with being in love.
I understand that lovin a man shouldn’t have to be this rough.
You ain’t the only one who feels like this worlds left you far behind.
I don’t know why you gotta be angry all the time.

August 20.  I come home from a hell of a day at work.  I am threatened and attacked by a crazy ass student.  18 year old gangbanger that is pissed at anyone that tells him “no”.  He is strung out on drugs and running from the lifestyle he has chosen.  I have to suspend him and he goes ballistic.  Luckily the police officer is with me and arrested the punk.  I just want my wife.  I just want to go home and tell her I’m too old for this crap.  I need to decompress with someone.  She tells me that she does not have the strength to deal with me.  She avoids me.  I have never felt more alone.

August 21.  When I walk in the door T is in another foul mood.  She won’t make eye-contact with me.  She is fussing at the girls.  Fussing at me… I finally tell her that if she is this miserable.  If the simple sight of me is that bad then she needs to go stay with her sister for awhile and heal.  She tells me that when I walk in the room it feels like all the air is sucked out.  It becomes a scary place.  WOW?  We argue.  I tell her to, “get her shit and go.”  She starts to pack.  B tells her to stay but just be nice.  I try and tell her that I do not really want her to leave.  She ignores me and tells everyone that, “I kicked her out!”

The girls and I just look at each other.  B is pissed at T.  R walks into the living room and tells me, “Dad I noticed that you guys were falling apart last year.  How did you not see this coming?”  Remember R is only 16.

This begins the downward spiral that I find myself in now.  Everytime I play that song it stings.  I remember in 2001 when it came out.  T and I made eye contact in the truck.  She teared up and looked away.  A sign back then?

to be continued…