Writing this blog has me thinking again.  This is usually when I get into the most trouble with life.

We are a couple weeks away from the court date that finalizes the end of our 21 year marriage.  January 13, 2015 to be exact.  No arguments, no fights, no drama.  I already turned in the divorce decree, took the parenting class (mandatory in our county), and paid the court fees (not to mention my attorney fees to write the decree).  All I need to do is go to court and the judge will electronically sign the decree and I can purchase a certified copy from the courts for $1.00 a page.  (41 pages total)   Oh joy!

This is it?

I keep watching tv shows and there is a lot of dysfunctional couples that always fight harder to win the girl back, etc…. Did I fight hard enough?  Who is supposed to tell me this?  But I really don’t want it back. Or do I?

I kinda like my isolation.  My gut tells me to move on.  I try and listen to my gut.  It keeps me going forward, usually.  These thoughts and emotions are raw.  Exposed, isolated, but mostly just raw.

How does one know?  What if I am making a mistake?  Life is just a crap shoot.  Roll the dice, smile along the way.

The girls went back to their mothers today.  I am alone all day.  No work, no responsibilities (other than taking Fred, adopted dog, out to take care of his business)… Nothing.  NO noise

I miss the noise.  But then again I don’t.

What stage of grief is this?

Let me go back to my life motto.  You may have heard it before.

Is the juice worth the squeeze?

I honestly don’t think that if T walked to my door with her emotions exposed and begging to return to what we had before that I would take it.  I don’t think the juice would be worth the squeeze.

I saw the movie, The Girl Next Door, many years ago.  I watched this scene and I thought of my relationship with T at the time.  I remember having to convince myself that the juice was worth the squeeze…. Then I just shook it off to everyone has small doubts.  Or do they?

18 thoughts on “Isolation

  1. You commented on a post of mine and so I find You. This piece is heartbreaking – I’ve been through this kind of agony of decision making many times in my life – this is my third marriage (which, by the way, 3’s and all – has lasted functionally for over 20 years). What I think I can offer you is this: we are always learning and growing, if we examine, as you are doing, our choices.
    It’s always helpful, I think, to examine what it was that drew you to that person. If we are growing, and the hope is that we always are, we sometimes find we grow beyond our partner, whether we are the one leaving or not. Not better than; we simply outgrow the form we once thought we needed. Marriage and aging are a dance, and it takes great awareness and openness to grow ‘together’ through the proverbial ‘thick and thin.’ To remain open to vulnerabilities, longings, and above all honest communication. We are only human – not the gods or goddesses fantasies are made of. Human. Forgiveable. And occasionally and often Fantas-tic in the light of the naked truth of who we have revealed ourselves to be.
    And freedom. Giving one another lots of freedom to continue expanding our experience as an individual. Marriage is also a contract, so we expand within the limitations of the contract, obviously. There’s also the perspective that we don’t do to another what we would not like done to us. The Golden Rule.
    My hope for you is that you keep asking the questions, and that, finally, you decide to stay involved in your kids’ lives to whatever extent you possibly can (for knowing kids as I do, they will always think they are somehow to blame, well into adulthood). They will remind you of their mother, so if there is any enmity there, we must keep reminding ourselves that they are NOT that person. Rather they are their own unique human beings.
    That being said, if parents are unhappy and later discover they can be both parents as well as functional happy people, kids will rebound and thrive with less regret. I hope I haven’t overstepped the boundaries of a comment. So moved to respond to this forthcoming post of yours. Blessings in the New Year, and with your new life. And Peace.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Wow, thanks Bela! I don’t know you well enough to say your ideas are bright! But I do know that you spending time to try and help me through my issues with your experiences, so eloquently displayed in your comment, has brightened my day!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I often wonder what stage of grief I’m in on any particular day, because truly, this is mourning the death of something. I do at least know now that the juice is NOT worth the squeeze. If he walked in begging for a second chance, I won’t go back to that life and there’s some comfort in knowing that. It’s getting through the day to day that is difficult sometimes. Thanks for this post and all your others, it makes this journey less lonesome 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Bela has already provided much wisdom in her comments to you, it’s hard to top that. But I would say follow your gut. Emotions can and do deceive us from time to time (I should know!!). So do your soul searching and listen to that gut of yours. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ah, an over-analyzer. I think too much myself, and though I’ve never been divorced (never even married, yet), I do remember my mother after her divorce from my dad. He filed and she agreed, though to this day she still harbors feelings for him. She was devastated when he left her, because she had put all the effort she could muster into that marriage. She never got remarried and, thankfully, the divorce was amicable. My mom was better off for it, though she had to work twice as hard. Look for the potential and silver lining, it’ll be there even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Glad you found my blog. Constructive comments, thoughts, reflections welcomed. So here are mine on your post. Like you we have a quiet house again, kids back at school for the week. I’m still married to my first serious boyfriend after 33 years, we are the boring faithful types – in other words too permanently knackered to think about serious relationships or even the odd fling elsewhere. One of the most impressive divorces I witnessed was a friend who was apparently happily married with three children, then unhappily married. Then she told me she was gay and had been struggling with the fact for years. She moved to the cubboard under the stairs, had an affair. Then husband moved next door so that they could continue to parent jointly. He remarried, had a new baby. She found a permanent partner. We were fortunate enough to go to her civil partnership. All three, now grown up children, read or spoke during the service. Her partner’s grown up children also took part. Both ex-spouses came, my friend’s former husband with his new (Persian) wife and toddler. It was a lovely day and very happy occasion, but I know how much effort it took on everyone’s part, how many tears were shed, and how desperate and trapped my friend felt for years. It wasn’t helped by the fact that they had been active practising Catholics and the Church doesn’t deal very well with these situations. There was a painful divorce from the church as well as from one another. No moral here, just a story that ended well.

    Liked by 1 person

      • How well I recall the isolation. It existed in those rare visits with their dad, it was there underneath even with three little ones scurrying around. Sometimes, it felt so wretched, giving rise to that overanalyzation, sometimes it felt pretty good, drawing me nearer to the Father. Now, I am three years in to hubby 2, additional child added to the mix, and still working towards recognizing the isolation has changed.Once you’ve done the single mom bit for years, you forget what it is to have a shoulder to lean on. I know you can’t relate on all that, but I am enjoying your blog so much I am suffering from longwindedness! Blessings and prayers. Remember you are never alone.

        Liked by 1 person

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